LONG ISLAND, NJ – Children ran through the streets screaming while Geoffrey the Giraffe, the long-dead mascot of bankrupt toy manufacturer Toys “R” Us chased them around downtown Long Island. Adults threw Molotov cocktails at Geoffrey as children sought refuge from the unrelenting former mascot. The mascot was spotted throwing Pogs at the children and pleading with them to play with toys from a long-gone era. “Come over here, kids! I know you have your video games and fancy TV programs, but let’s play with Troll Dolls and Tonka Trucks! Play with me! Play! Playy! Playyyy! Play with MEEEE!”
A bystander noted that Geoffrey seemed to weaken at the sight of any Internet-connected device. “He doesn’t seem to like the Internet. I think it harms him in some way.” Geoffrey the Giraffe was eventually subdued by a group of teenagers playing Fortnite on their iPhones, which weakened Geoffrey until authorities were able to contain him.