July 7, 2022

FDA Approves Muscle Milk for Racehorses

 FDA Approves Muscle Milk for Racehorses

WHITE PLAINS, NY – The Food and Drug Association and National Thoroughbred Racing Association issued a joint statement today announcing government approval for Muscle Milk to be sold to racehorses in all 50 US States and Puerto Rico.

A formal press conference was held yesterday at the headquarters of PepsiCo, who has owned the steroid infused milkshake marketed to children, Muscle Milk, ever since purchasing Hormel Foods Corp in early 2019.

“It’s safe!” PepsiCo spokesperson Janet Saltalamacchia announced from atop her saddled horse, while hoisting up a home plate taken from a local baseball diamond above her head, to a staged audience of two fellow overpaid journalists and an entire warehouse operations staff that had been on their only break.

“With approval from the FDA behind us and business partnership with the NRTA already lined up, it’s only a matter of a weeks before we start to see record breakers out there on the racetrack. In fact, that’s the name of the horse I’m riding right now, Record Breaker, though he responds better to RB for short, ain’t that right RB?” Saltalamacchia said, while kicking her muscle-horse once firmly in the ribs. “It is PepsiCo’s fullest intent to make horseracing one of the “BIG 3” sports again.”

With government approval behind them, it’s no secret that this is a guaranteed recipe for success – Muscle Milk works. Ever since the PED riddled HGH infused slurry released to market in 2012, multiple studies have proven what we all know; that adolescent children in the United States have been getting faster, stronger, and are recovering from injury quicker than ever before.

Sitting confidently atop the largest horse this reporter has ever seen, Saltalamacchia was quick to point such facts out, and also quick to deflect any lingering health or safety concerns, of which there are still many. “Okay follow me here. Farmers put steroids in their cows, and everybody’s happy. So some beverage makers put steroids in their milk, and everybody’s happy. Of course horses are the next logical step! What do you think the first H in HGH actually stands for? Human Growth Hormone is illegal, you rage-inducing, soon-to-be dead person!” she snapped at one point, before wiping a milky white froth from her nostrils.

The bizarre press conference came to a close with a much less exciting announcement for PepsiCo and it’s investors, no matter how hard Saltalamacchia tried to spin it at the time… And spin she did – The dressage skills of both Record Breaker and the roid-raging PepsiCo spokeswoman were indeed impressive. Much less so, the announcement itself – Though now approved for equines, Muscle Milk will no longer be sold for human consumption.

“The FDA has ordered for the removal of Muscle Milk and all 12 it’s delicious flavors from consumer store shelves, citing findings of a litany of physical, mental, and reproductive organ issues. Effective January 1, 2021, all Muscle Milk products are only allowed to be sold to licensed breeders, veterinarians, OTB facilities, and online” Saltalamacchia hollered from her mighty steed, punctuating her statement with a karate chop to the plastic neon red EXIT sign protruding overhead.

That’s less than two months away, and this journalist, for one, says…stock up now, or buy yourself a horse this Christmas.

And that’s straight from my mouth.

Orlando Handy

"Cashing checks and building decks - that's why they call me the Handyman." Orlando Handy is the first person to be kicked out of the ABC's Shark Tank on more than one occasion. Neither episode has yet made it to air.

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