July 7, 2022

Citing Losses, Chuck E. Cheese says “Masks required, children not”

 Citing Losses, Chuck E. Cheese says “Masks required, children not”

IRVING, TEXAS  – In a controversial change to a controversial policy, the arcade pizza giant Chuck E Cheese’s has announced Friday that they are eliminating their long standing policy requiring adults to have a child with them in order to enjoy their low quality, overpriced pizza. The move comes amid rumors of possible bankruptcy for the Rat King, being seen by many as a last ditch effort to attract new customers following an 18 month period in which 4 separate wrongful death lawsuits were settled. The global pandemic in 2020 likely hasn’t helped.

“The small business loans this spring helped coagulate the cheese, so to speak” said financial analyst Breckin Mejier, having just scored a personal best score of 860 points on the skee-ball machine. “But that money likely went straight those victim’s families. This pandemic is just the icing on a terrible birthday cake. I don’t see this adult friendly policy change saving this pit” Meijer added, before joining the rest of his group from JP Morgan near the air hockey tables.

Juxson Vault finds a brief moment to bask in the masklessness.

Local resident Juxson Vault seemed more optimistic to the changes. “This is great. My local gym is still closed due to the pandemic. I can’t indoor rock climb anywhere else in town at this point” beamed Vault, who was chalking up his hands for another go at the 6 foot high padded cube in the middle of the ball pit. “I just wish they eased up on their mask policy when you are actually using the equipment. It’s hard to breathe and the children can’t understand what I’m yelling at them.”

Also excited about the new changes were Rebecca and Juliet Rifkin, sisters, who are planning to return again soon, next time with their entire morning “10,000 Maniacs” exercise group. “Walking through the arcade instead of walking around the high school track is like the difference between Formula-1 and NASCAR. Plus it’s carpeted” Rebecca told me. “‘Munch’s Make Believe Band’ is my new favorite playlist” her sister Juliet added.

Near the prize table, a local men’s group had gathered together. Jameson, their leader, asked if I would join them, have a slice, and talk about my feelings for a bit. Placing the Mike Wizowski key-chain I had just won securely into my pocket, I obliged…

I got a good feeling about this place.

Orlando Handy

"Cashing checks and building decks - that's why they call me the Handyman." Orlando Handy is the first person to be kicked out of the ABC's Shark Tank on more than one occasion. Neither episode has yet made it to air.

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