May 28, 2022

Chipotle Opens Fast-Casual Restaurant on Mars

 Chipotle Opens Fast-Casual Restaurant on Mars

NEWPORT BEACH, CA— In a press conference including the leaders of Earth’s nations, on Monday, Chipotle announced that they have opened Earth’s first galactic fast-casual Mexican eatery.

“We’re diversifying into new markets and it’s only a matter of time before we discover alien life. We want to ensure that our new alien overlords are able to enjoy the freshest all-natural ingredients and best customer service in the Milky Way. Our human billionaire customers with spaceships can come too,” said Clint Ashcroft, Chipotle’s VP of Galactic Expansion.

Clint went on to state “I mean seriously, humans probably aren’t going to make it through the next decade. But we know aliens are out there and they probably have galactobucks or gamma ray money, stuff that’s way more valuable than what we have on Earth. That’s the stuff we’re going after.”

Chipotle’s marketing team is excited about the new launch. “Mars is very on-brand for us. Our fresh-never-frozen ingredients really pop against the color of the red planet,” said VP of New Markets, Sally Raphael. “This was a tough roll out, but we only lost Dave from the social media team and three of the interns during the jump to hyperspeed, so I’d call that a win.”

Cornelius Pennyworth

Cornelius was born with a silver spoon and a golden keyboard. When he isn't waxing his Rolls Royce, Cornelius enjoys big-game hunting on his private estate and sorting through his collection of Persian rugs.

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