January 18, 2022
Cornelius Pennyworth

Cornelius Pennyworth

Cornelius was born with a silver spoon and a golden keyboard. When he isn't waxing his Rolls Royce, Cornelius enjoys big-game hunting on his private estate and sorting through his collection of Persian rugs.

Toys “R” Us Mascot Geoffrey the Giraffe Rises from The

LONG ISLAND, NJ – Children ran through the streets screaming while Geoffrey the Giraffe, the long-dead mascot of bankrupt toy manufacturer Toys “R” Us chased them around downtown Long Island. Adults threw Molotov cocktails at Geoffrey as children sought refuge from the unrelenting former mascot. The mascot was spotted throwing Pogs at the children and […]Read More

Man Picks Nose for Two Minutes in Front of Coworkers

ANN ARBOR, MI – Ross Mitchum, age 39, a sales executive who was formerly on the fast-track to a sizable promotion, made a grievous error this week when he forgot to close his Zoom meeting after a an all-hands-on-deck meeting. After assuming the meeting and videoconference had concluded, Ross began searching his nose for a […]Read More

Disney+ Announces New “Screw You, Pay Me” Pricing Model

BURBANK, CA – On Tuesday, Disney announced that they will be implementing a new pricing model for their flagship Disney+ streaming service called Screw You, Pay Me. According to Disney VP Ericka Flagertson, the idea behind the new pricing model is to simplify the fee structure for Disney+ so that all consumers can easily understand […]Read More

Chipotle Opens Fast-Casual Restaurant on Mars

NEWPORT BEACH, CA— In a press conference including the leaders of Earth’s nations, on Monday, Chipotle announced that they have opened Earth’s first galactic fast-casual Mexican eatery. “We’re diversifying into new markets and it’s only a matter of time before we discover alien life. We want to ensure that our new alien overlords are able […]Read More

Unpopular Executive Fired, Replaced by His Dog

CHICAGO, IL – This Thursday, finance executive Harry Reese was notified that he would be terminated effective immediately. His labrador mix, Spot, was notified via email that he will be hired as the company’s new Senior Director of Acquisitions. “Spot was always really popular on Zoom meetings. He would be sitting there on Harry’s desk […]Read More

IKEA Announces New “Build a Life” Kit

DELFT, NETHERLANDS —IKEA has just released a new “build a life” kit that allows customers to build themselves a new life in about two hours. The kit comes with everything a person could need for day-to-day survival: a 10 feet by 10 feet living area, a data-entry job, smartphone, and a spouse to consistently criticize […]Read More

Study Finds 99.99% of Business Books Are Never Read

PALO ALTO, CA— Business books are a $20 billion dollar industry, but a new study by the Franco-Prussian Institute found that 99.99% of business books are never read by the people who purchase them. According to the study, which surveyed 7,000 businesspeople, the top reason for the purchase of business books is to “look smart” […]Read More