SEATTLE, WA – With 110 active fulfillment centers in the US alone and another 75 worldwide, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is looking to lower the company’s carbon footprint. In trying to lower Amazon’s effect on climate change while maintaining its 3000% profit margin, Jeff Bezos turns to a new reusable energy source: the tears of employees. Amazon employees 1,000,000 people around the world to deliver essential goods every day. The cost of getting a Big Bang Theory lunch box and matching air fryer no longer have to come at the cost of the environment with Amazon Tears+, the latest in renewable energy. Amazon Prime members will have the opportunity to pick whose tears went into their delivery for a much more personalized experience. Remember that third-grade teacher who believed in you more than your own parents? Well lucky for you she’s had to pick up a second shift at a fulfillment center to make ends meet after spending all of her savings on luxury classroom items like paper and pens. Let her know you made it, and support American teachers by selecting Carol’s tears next time you order a matching Snuggie for you and your dog at 3am. Nothing says “free market” like the tears of the working class.
Mason Owens is a 38-year-old from Portland (the granola Portland in Oregon not the lighthouse Portland in Maine). After investing all of his money in a sustainable bitcoin powered bicycle, Mason is determined to learn how all of the people he went to high school with are making a living. DMs are open.